The Population Questionnaire
An alternate reality short story
Matt — Age 16
“Time to do your part as a citizen of this great country Matt,” Matt’s dad says with a forced smile.
“Yay.”
“Look, I know it sucks but it’s a great thing. This will save you from a lot of grief later on in life. I’m so glad I have you and your sister but I’m even more glad I had you guys with your mom and not with some of the other girls I thought I was in love with before I met her.”
“Yeah, I get it. Honestly, I don’t think I want to ever have kids anyways. The world is full. There are too many people and it’s going to kill all of us anyways. So I’m actually totally ok with this.”
“We are turning that around, things are getting better every day. They are making great strides with the vertical minimal water systems. Less people are dying from lack of water every day. We are really blessed to be where we are. We have it good. You’ll change your mind. You’ll see, when you meet the right girl, everything will change for you.”
“If you say so.”
They pull up to the doctor’s office go in. Matt goes back for surgery while Matt’s dad paces around the lobby.
Matt comes out with the doctor.
“Smooth sailing,” the doctor says, just have him take it easy for a couple of days and he’ll be back to normal before you know it.”
Matt — Age 20
Matt sits before a computer, the screen pops up a message “Welcome to your family planning questionnaire. Are you ready to begin?
Matt clicks yes.
Are you married?
Matt clicks no.
Questionnaire over. Please exit the testing zone. Thank you and see you again in one year.
Matt –Age 22
Welcome to your family planning questionnaire. Are you ready to begin?
Matt clicks yes.
Are you married?
Matt clicks yes.
Would you consider yourself happily married?
Matt pauses, he thinks about the day he met Rachael. How he felt from the moment he saw her like she was someone he’d always known before he knew her. How she cuddled with him on the couch last night and still jumped at the same part of a scary movie. How she looks so cute even just vacuuming the house. But did he want kids? She was the light, bright happy thing in an otherwise miserable world. They were lucky but so many others are not. And even though they both work, they are still living in a tiny apartment.
Matt clicks yes.
What is your combined annual income?
Matt types in $65,000.
Questionnaire over. Please apply again in one year.
Wow, Matt thinks, it’s like that huh. We aren’t rich enough…that’s fine. I don’t want a kid anyways.
Matt — age 23
Welcome to your family planning questionnaire. Are you ready to begin?
Matt clicks yes.
Are you married?
Matt clicks yes.
Would you consider yourself happily married?
Matt clicks yes. He can’t mess this up this time. Rachael is starting to worry about when he will pass the test. Then again, Matt’s still not sure he wants kids. At least not yet…
What is your combined annual income?
They have both been working hard but their raises were small. Matt considers lying but they probably already know their income. The government already knows everything. Why do they even force him to go through this charade?
He types in $70,000.
Do you consider yourself a happy person?
Holy crap, he made it past the income part. She shakes out his shirt, suddenly feeling too hot and like the room is too small.
He clicks yes.
Have you ever been arrested?
He clicks no.
Do you believe the earth is round?
He clicks yes.
Do you believe the moon landing was real?
Matt hesitates. What a weird question. I mean, I have doubts, Matt thinks to himself.
He clicks no.
Shit, I meant yes.
Questionnaire over. Please apply again in one year.
Damn it, Matt swears under his breathe. He knows later he’s going to lie to Rachael about how hard the test was. About how it has trick questions. He’ll explain that they are still very on track for a couple their age and that most people don’t pass the test till they are 28, or even 30. Which is true. Matt wonders if other guys are out there intentionally failing it. How many guys out there pretend the test is really hard when it’s not. None of his friends will really talk about the test. The government asks people not to, so that the test can remain valid and objective but he doesn’t think that’s the real reason guys don’t talk about the test. He bets its only 100 questions and that most people could pass it easily. That they just don’t want to pass it. There are more than enough people in the world already and everyone know it, though they all pretend like this test is really important to them at their futures, it’s not. Not really. It’s not like humans will go extinct from not having more humans, we are much more likely to go extinct from too many. From fighting war over water and which country is going to take all the trash. Rich countries buy all the food poor countries grow, while their own citizens starve to death in the thousands. We should take care of the people already here first. The government had the right idea with this plan, they should just commit to it more, Matt think as he pushes the chair in too to the desk and leaves.
Matt — Age 27
Rachael is saying that if he doesn’t pass it this time, she might have to leave him. She says that would break her heart to do but that she wants desperately to be a mother. That she doesn’t want to keep waiting. That her younger sister had a kid two years ago and she wants them to grow up together. Matt is sweating in an air-conditioned room. He made it to question 65 last year before he yes when he should have said no. It’s the same questions every year though, so he knows how to answer the first 65 easily. He should fly right through them.
There it is, he’s made it to question 65.
Do you believe people are inherently good?
Last time, he clicked no and then the test was over. He knows if he wants to save his marriage, he should click yes. But everything inside him wants to click no. Maybe he needs to tell Rachael about his doubts. Maybe he should let her go. Maybe marrying her was a mistake. Maybe he wasted her time all these years. Maybe she will hate him. Maybe he’s doing the best thing for the world though, he’s not adding to the pollution and trash that are destroying it. Maybe he is tired and just taking care of himself and Rachael is enough stress to deal with already.
As all of this is playing out in his mind, he has accidentally already clicked no. The test is over. It will be another year before he will have the chance to take it again. He will be 28. That seems like the perfect age anyway, but what if he tries to pass next year and can’t?
He’s heard that there are answer lists on the black market internet sites that you can buy for a price. Guarantee yourself a future family that way. Though the test doesn’t really seem that hard, you just have to answer what you know they want to hear and not what you believe.
The test seems more like a lesson in obedience than intelligence. Maybe that’s what the government thinks good parents should be, people who are willing to be obedient.
Matt leaves the room and goes home. He tells Rachael the news and she cries, she waves her hands around and yells at him. Calls him stupid and selfish. That’s when he decides to tell her the truth. He’s been failing on purpose. Rachael screams at him that she wants a divorce. She starts packing a bag and saying she’s going to go stay at her mom’s. Matt let’s her go without saying a word.
He thinks about his life without her in it and feels sad but also relieved. He’s free. Free from expectations, free from the pressure to do what others want of him, free to live the way he wants. Maybe he will move out to the mountains. Maybe he will travel. Maybe he will quit the job he’s been working so hard to get raises at and go raise goats in the woods. They seem like fun company. Goats, he decides, that’s his future.